Welcome to Nineveh!

Okay – it is 12:34 and I have been roaming around the internet for the past hour – since I was thrust from bed by the uncontrollable need to write. But like everything else I have done lately, I tried to avoid doing it. Why? I have to wonder that myself. Is what God has for me to do so hard that I just can’t bear the thought of doing it? I don’t know. What I do know is that as I was trying to drift off to sleep, I muttered a short prayer that basically went like this, “Okay God, I am not sure what it is you need me to do but I am ready to stop running and do your will.” No sooner had I uttered the words than my eyes popped open and in my head I heard “Welcome to Nineveh!”

I guess I should back up a bit and give you the story, not the short story mind you and not the long detailed one either. Just the story of how I came to be here at this exact moment in time…

I could say this all started 13 years ago and I would be correct. It did. It was 13 years ago this past January that my life changed forever. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and borderline Lupus. In the space of three short weeks, I went from being supermom of two ADHD sons, working a full time job and taking care of my home and family, to being a person I still don’t recognize who has to choose whether to clean the bathroom or fold laundry because there just isn’t enough energy to do both.

I think if that were all there was to it, I could accept it. But for 13 years, despite the pain and the exhaustion, I have managed to take care of my family, work and feel like I was doing something constructive with my life. That is until this year when my entire world was turned upside down. I found myself looking critically at where I have traveled, being less than impressed and I knew that God was actually a bit miffed at me. He had an entirely different path planned out for me and I ran. Just like Jonah.

So, having lived in the belly of the whale for say, well, over half my life, hearing the words Welcome To Nineveh in my head means that there is a change of scenery coming.

Okay, Okay, I will get to the point and make this story have some type of purpose other than to make you scratch you head and wonder what crazy circles I am taking you in.

This year, on March 23, I left my terrific job and went home because I was in too much pain to work. Now this had happened before but I had always been able to calm things down with a day on the heating pad and some rest. It didn’t work this time. Seven days later, I was still on the heating pad and on the phone applying for short term disability (they offered it through my job) to cover the time I might be off. Two days later I got the news that an appointment with a rheumatologist had been made by my family doctor because blood tests showed my lupus was back. I should have known, the signs were there, I just refused to see them.

So that was in March/April and we are now in August. Through a comedy of errors and omissions, I have not had a paycheck since May and this afternoon I learned that my final appeal has been denied. The back disability payments will not be forthcoming and there will be no easy way to stop the flow of calls from creditors I cannot pay because my income has been cut completely in half. To top it off, my employer elected to terminate my employment so I don’t even have a job to go back to even if the doctor WOULD release me to return to work which he won’t – at least not right now. So, my husband and I are facing the loss of our house and perhaps more if God doesn’t step in and do something. He has kept us afloat so far with some fancy footwork for which I am eternally grateful. But it is going to take more than fancy footwork to get us out of the hole we are in – it is going to take a miracle – lucky thing He’s in that business.

We have been here before…many many years ago – right after Richard accepted the Lord and was baptized. We passed the tests put before us back then with flying colors despite the newness of Richard’s commitment to the Lord. Back then I was the voice of faith and reason and my family leaned on me a lot.

I have to say that this time I’ve had a crisis of faith a time or two (or three or four or maybe some wallowing in the pit of despair). It has been the love and good humor of friends that has held me up through some of the worst. Yes, I have had my share of Job’s comforters (I know I am mixing my Bible stories) and there have been moments I felt like Job’s female counterpart but for most of it, the prayers and love have been there, holding me up in some of my darkest moments. But it was something my friend Vicki said via text message that started me thinking. She said that this was a test. I remarked that I had already passed this test before why did I have to go through it again. She said there must be a piece missing that I am not seeing.

So as I lay in bed, the air flowing through my cpap mask, drifting off to sleep, I suddenly thought, hey, maybe it’s Richard! Maybe HE is the one that God is speaking to this time and I am just getting caught in the moment because God sees us as “one” since we are married. I felt like punching my husband awake and letting him know that he needs to pray about HIS problem with God. Instead, I felt a little like I was being tapped on the forehead and it was then that I uttered the prayer about being ready to do whatever God is asking me to do.

So here we are, back full circle. I feel like I have stopped running but since I have had the tendency to run most of my life, I don’t want to claim it just yet. I think I am going to have to actually see the Nineveh God has called me to in order to believe that I am truly on the path that God wants me to be on. But in the meantime, I will keep listening and keep believing that all things are possible through Him.

I have two favorite verses: Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” and Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. I have to believe that God has wonderful things in store for me, things He has spent a lifetime preparing me to receive and I know that He will give me the strength to persevere until He is ready to reveal His will.

I certainly hope Nineveh isn’t too much further…I am incredibly tired.